My mornings have become almost unbearable. I wake up and upon facing the day I have the conviction and deepest desire to end my life. Having to face the day again seems like an insurmountable challenge, this feeling combined with a horrible headache and out of body experience is enough to defeat me entirely. I spend the first half hour of the day praying to die. I then slowly pull myself out of bed and begin my day. I force myself to eat so that I can take my morning medication. Today I found some solace in spending time with my cat, who I believe recognizes the type of suffering I am experiencing. He gave me love and I was able to be receptive to his life force and his empathy. During that time I had two cups of tea, which gave me enough of a jolt to allow me to entertain the thought of living today.. or at least to write down some of my experience in this blog. The days seem to blur together. My main task everyday is just to get through it without doing anything stupid. If I can accomplish that and also pursue some creative endeavour like writing, then the day should be considered a success. It's a terrible way to live you're life, and one that the people around me do not understand. Unfortunately, it's my reality for the time being. Here is an interesting thought of suicide that I found on a forum recently, I felt it was useful to be shared.
Taking life must be seperated from feeling bad and viewed as a pathetic enemy, not as a solution. People may read about mental illness and high stats concerning suicide,but all you have to do is remind yourself that your free will does exist and another person's terrible judgement and choice does not set a precedent for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment