Support

Lately I feel overly demanding of my support system. It's unfortunate that I have been messed up so long that I continually have to seek out my friends, parents, and lover to keep me going. However, it's amazing the type of energy I am provided by these people that are closest in my life. I think that has to be the best lesson I've learned from this entire experience, is that friendship and family is the most important thing in life. I would place this bond to others as the most important element of life.. I would probably place creativity as second. If you are connected with others and in some way creating in the world - you will find a reason to live.

I desperately want to help others fight the type of struggle that I am having to engage in. I want to help people be brave and cope with the pain that they have to endure on a daily basis. In my early life I was never aware of the reality of the type of pain that I now have to move through. However, now that my eyes have been opened I see it all around me. The struggle of the human condition is fucking crazy. I have become so versed in medicine and psychology within the last 6 months. Humanity has had to bear such crazy shit.

In any case, I have been really struggling with the fact that I continually have to be the one needing support instead of providing support to others. It is so frustrating to be so weak, so entirely subject to the whim of one's feelings. More and more I realize I have to power my way through this whole experience. I have to not pay any mind to these horrible horrible feelings, and continue to pave my path in this world. It's just the times when I feel so fucked up beyond words that I can't possibly imagine trying. I desperately want to actualize my life in this world, but there is a certain level of pain I find impossible to bear. A type of pain that reduces me to a child in the face of it. And that pain is the shortcoming of myself. It is the type of pain that literally makes me curl up in a ball and pray for death. I am told to ignore it, not to empower it. I'm trying.