Suffering

No matter how much I want it, I will not have my old life back. It is a thing of the past. Thinking about the last 7 months turns my stomach and makes me sick. Looking at where I'm at makes me sick. I am so tired and afraid, and I feel so entirely alone in this pain. I want to cry right now but I can't. I want to be a man about this, and I have been for so long now. I just don't know what the point is. I feel so terrible. I feel so awful. It's all my fault, I want to die. I just want to die, to be allowed to rest. I don't want a second chance anymore. I want this struggle to be over more than anything in the world. I am only fighting for my family members at this point, and I don't even think they should expect me to continuing pulling myself through this hideous acidic muck. I'm know quite sure how a person gets to be so sick and fed up with life, but it has happened to me. Perhaps this is just a test of my integrity and spirit, but if it is, for me it is becoming too much of a trial. I don't want this life anymore. I want it to end. I'm happy with what I've experienced. I'm happy with my past. I have no reason to continue to be alive. Although death scares me, it doesn't scare me as much as what I have to endure everyday. Please, I want to die. I want to be taken. I can't take it anymore. I can't take it. I really can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough to deserve a position on this world, but its too much to ask. Really its too much. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry but I can't take it. Please....