Fuck. Why the fuck did this have to happen to me. Why must the first 6 hours of my day be pure torture and torment. Even now this feeling is barely tolerable and it is not even a fraction of what I was feeling in the morning. I literally feel fucked. I am fucked. I have lost everything in my life. I had a great job, I was in a top school, my music career was taking off.... and now my brain has just decided to go to shit. I don't know who I am, my body is numb, I have headaches that make me want to scream... but I'm not crazy. I'm acutely aware that there is something very wrong with me and I've spent countless hours trying to resolve my problem. But there is no resolution. So I just have to spend every fucking day being tortured. And having to do normal things and try to act normal while being tortured. I can't fathom that it has been 7 months of dealing with this every single day - it nauseates me. It honestly makes me sick to my stomach. I have no idea how I've made it this far without killing myself. No one around me understands what the fuck is happening to me, except they see me writhing on the floor with my head in my hands.
I relate deeply to the struggle of Prometheus. His ongoing pain is very similar to what I feel I have to endure. He is strewn up on a rock where a great eagle resides. Every single day the eagle swoops down and devours his liver leaving his wretched and screaming for the rest of the day. As Prometheus passes into sleep for the night his insides regrow only for the eagle to return the following day to submit his to the same torture. This continues on for eternity. Prometheus is punished for having taken fire from the gods and bestowing it to mortals. As in many myths of punishment, it involves a man striving for powers that are not his to wield. I feel my own downfall was a result of trying to control the world too much. I was too bent on power and self-actualization and my endless pursuits led me into the ruin that is now my life.
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