From Night into Morning

So I am going to go to sleep now, and I rationally know that when I wake up at 8 am or whatever it will be, I am going to want to die. My head will be splitting, I will feel like my body is numb, I will not know where I am. This experience is horrible. I am going to want to bury myself in the pillow and repeat incessantly, "I want to die" "I want to die" etc. However, I am challenging myself tomorrow, to power through all of this bullshit. I will awake and immediately shower, throw on clean clothes, eat, medication, go for a walk, and then return home to make a positive blog entry. Furthermore, I will get some domestic tasks accomplished tomorrow. I will attempt to live a perfectly normal day despite being tormented by the hounds of hell. My blog entry will deal with the concept of mythos and narrative in moving through our personal struggles. I was recently exposed to a dramatization of the story of Perseus and Medusa. It reminded me of my own struggles, and recognizing that overcoming any true challenge involves heroic will. And let's be honest, most people perish on that path. The soldiers that accompany Perseus both make the mistake of looking Medusa straight in the eyes - they are turned to stone. Lately, I'm questioning whether I have the will to be the hero of the story, or if I will flounder like the other soldiers. I have certainly made it a long way, I could have offed myself by now.

The fucked up thing about the type of pain I feel, is that it feels deeply connected to who I am - so that it is hard to block it out. I am absolutely terrified about tomorrow morning. Terrified. I find I have a 2 minute moment of solace between sleep and waking, and then when I'm actually awake the consciousness of my situation kicks in and I'm totally fucked beyond belief. Nevertheless, as I mentioned I will make the most of my morning. I'm not sure how the human mind can be this fucked up without some serious trauma. Oh god, I don't want to feel another day of this. Amor Fati - it's so easy to say when life is going your way.