Understanding Change

I am led to a belief that everything is in a state of flux, and to a certain extent I certainly agree with this fact. In contemplating my mental state, I'm worried that I am stuck in an unshifting state - so I am relying on this fact about the impermanence of our mental states to deliver me from my suffering. Afterall, I have know memory of what it felt like when I was 5 years old... and perhaps one day I will no longer be able to recall the pain I am feeling today. I remember when I was 22 I had a very intense relationship that completely fell apart on me. At the time it felt like I would never be able to get over. I couldn't fathom things getting better after that sort of trauma. Nevertheless, after a few months of severe depression the veil started lifting. Now, I do think that depression is a more temporary type of state than the one that I currently reside in, however, in a year or so this may also be a vague memory. I have done reading about what is called state specific memory. Namely, that when you are in a specific mental state you are unable to access a certain experience. Once this state shifts you can re-access feelings and emotions that you thought were long dead. This may be the case! However, one cannot grasp or cling to the past. Unfortunately, that time is now history.

Hope

Despair is the inaction that keeps us down, Hope is the will to create a better tomorrow.

It seems the fundamental ingredient in situations where there seems to be no answer is hope. Hope is what will someday guide you to light. Where I presently stand in my life it is very hard to imagine hope. I am plagued by an ambiguous condition that almost entirely cripples me. Nevertheless, there has been a good deal of people with this condition that make total come backs and return to their life. If I assume that I may be one of those people, then that hope can fuel progress despite my present suffering. I must admit that most mornings I wake up and am largely suicidal for the first few hours of the day. As I have been fighting this condition for the past seven months with very little change, it is hard for me to imagine progress. However, my alternative of suicide is not an option. I merely indulge it as a temporary escape mechanism when my suffering becomes too great to handle. There are a number of thoughts that I keep in mind when dealing with my pain that allow me to see purpose and meaning in my struggle. I have to agree with Viktor Frankl that when life becomes overbearing with pain - we must seek out meaning. Here is a list of some ideas that I have come up:

1) Find something of greater importance than yourself

2) Help others

3) Understand life is not purely about how you feel

4) Be thankful even for the opportunity to have lived at all

Keats Song

John Keats

I'm waiting for my diagnosis,

I'm counting down until my time,

I'm drinking medicine from roses.....

I'm pouring back these rounds of wine.....

and I'm fine....Yes I'm fine.....

...I'm ready to stand in line...

for my time, my time has come,

My life is done......

The doctor said my case is hopeless,

It'll take my stomach and my spine,

... and as far as his prognosis,

It'll take my body then my mind.....

but I'm fine....Yes I'm fine.....

...I'm ready to stand in line...

for my time, my time has come,

My life is done......

The doctor warns of complications,

he sees them written on my face,

prescription's a life of moderation,

.......yet still I go to waste......

but I'm fine....Yes I'm fine.....

...I'm ready to stand in line...

for my time, my time has come,

...... My life is done......

I have a friend, and he's a painter,

at times he holds by the hand,

and I still hold my love of nature,

as I return into the land..

and I'm fine....Yes I'm fine.....

....I'm ready to stand in line

for my time, my time has come,

My life is done.....

and I know.... I know....

I know its time to go.....

and I know... I'm alone.....

Gone to die in Rome.

lalalal,

lalalala

The Hero's Journey

One thing about the hero's journey is that he never gives up.

Shamanism and the Definition of Mental Illness

I think it is important to properly define what is wrong with you when you are suffering from a mental illness. Unfortunately many mental diseases the system will label you as a victim and patient, and this is not an empowering framework to view yourself. According to the bio-medical tradition, people who are mentally ill need to be fixed. Although I agree that measures should be taken to correct dangerous deviance of behaviour, at a certain point in the path of mental illness identifying yourself as a sick patient becomes as unhealthy as the illness itself. It is important to embrace your personhood apart from your condition. Otherwise, you run the risk of being condemned by labels. In traditional cultures, those individuals we considered mentally ill would often be taken out of the society to be trained as Shamans. There was a belief that altered mind states could offer insight into the nature of being. Perhaps more importantly, one could consider a mental illness as a period or path that one must traverse in order to fulfill one's life purpose. Viewed under such a lens, the life of a mentally ill person takes on more meaning. I have been exposed to too many people who sacrifice who they are for their illness. They become defined by their condition and sink deeper and deeper into the mire. Often mental illness is a prison for the mind, by to some extent there is control over how we view the prison... meaning must be applied to struggle or else all is lost. Below is a link to Terence Mckenna speaking on the relationship between schizophrenia and shamanism. Although I disagree with the level of romanticism he applies to such a horrid mental illness, I do think his evaluation of the Western psychiatric community is correct.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZEglHjd_gUQ

John Keats

One of my favourite stories of suffering is that of the poet John Keats. Fatefully destined for a life of romance, but also of misfortune and tragedy. His struggles at the end of his life capture the beauty and chaotic path of human life. After suffering and being witness to the death of his mother and his brother by tuberculosis, he also ends up contracting the deadly disease. In the time that follows he carries along in what he considers a posthumous existence. His once vibrant dreams and aspirations shrouded by the misery of his terminal illness. His only company is Joseph Severn. A painter who accompanied Keats to Rome on his final push to regain his health and strength. Although at one point diagnosed as purely an anxious illness, when Keats begins coughing up pints of blood - he knows his time has come. He suffers terribly in his final months and is further driven mad by the loss of his love Fanny Brawne and his rising career as one of the great English poets. He dies at the age of 26.

Now that I've fallen into my own world of suffering, I am left to study the pain that has been experienced by humans that have preceded me in this world. Pictured above is Thomas Chatterton, found in his study after a suicide induced by arsenic. Chatterton was a prodigal english poet and lived only until the age of 17. His life was mercurial and troubled, the accompanying quotation reads - "Cut is the branch that might have grown full straight."

Life is incredibly unpredictable. One can be in the blossom of happiness and fruitfulness one moment, and life can be over in the next.