my fate

I have more or less come to grips with my fate. It isn't pleasant, but here is my understanding.

Whether or not I will recover I will continue to live my life as planned, although I accept there will be limitations and extreme suffering inherent in the process. I will suspend my disbelief with regards to recovery and enter into this pursuit optimistically, even though there will be times of remarkable despair. Ideally I will emerge from this process more empowered than I have ever been, having literally faced death. Furthermore I have come to grips with my own death and welcome it if it must come, however I am by no means seeking it out of convenience. As it stands, I resolve to act as heroically as possible given my present circumstances.

Amor Fati

ending it

i cannot live like this. I desperately want to die. I want to die so much, I cannot handle my life.

I don't care anymore. I want to die. I do not want to struggle anymore. I WANT TO DIE NOW>

Certain Death

Unfortunately, my problem has not resolved. There is no longer any options really. I feel condemned to death. I cannot cope with this feeling for much longer.

My Mythical Beast and Gatekeeper

The Manticora

Contemplative Tomorrow Song

The support has been wonderful…

Really you've all made this time so much easier…

But I'm tired… I"m tired of suffering…..

I'm afraid that…… This may be my time…

it's ok….

Time ticks another second is gone,

far as I'm concerned it's probably just best to move on,

and best to be strong, and best to be calm,

...Best to do whatever get's me beyond,,,,

I'm in pain but I patiently write,

I'm a patient where the walls are all painted in white,

I live with thoughts of taking my life,

and I'm praying for God to take me tonight……..

but

I still know I'll find tomorrow.

Another day to wash away...

Another day to fill with sorrow,

Another day to fill with pain….

Can't complain, made it to 25,

..I should be happy just to say that I'm alive,

and I should have some pride…. besides.

how many times I was close to my demise,

I watch it all and laugh,

I see the colour in the solid black…

I live with thoughts of taking my life,

and I'm praying to God to take me tonight…

but

I still know I'll find tomorrow.

Another day to wash away...

Another day to fill with sorrow,

Another day to fill with pain….

and

There's a bible by the side of my bed - a king james,

left for suffering souls that feel pain,

to seek a little solace and hold to the moments,

that bind us together in the day….

….So I float in the shape of grace,

and wait for a grave to take my place….

With thoughts of taking my life.

praying to God to take me tonight….

but

I still know I'll find tomorrow. I know….

Another day to wash away... huh...

Another day to fill with sorrow,

Another day to fill with pain….

Venting Again

I feel so fucking horrible. I know it doesn't matter, but it cannot escape my attention because it is so fucking present. I hate my fucking life and I have no idea how things came to be the way they are. I really want to die, I hate living this way, I hate having to be alive in this form. I don't understand how the fuck this could happen. I know it is better than having died, but not that much better. I feel so fucking fucked up. I hated waking up this morning, I hated having to acknowledge my condition under these circumstances. I can't believe this shit has happened to me. I don't know how to cope beyond pushing everyday, but that makes me want to kill myself. I think I am going to end up killing myself. Fuck.

FUCK@!!!

My Visions

So there is definitely something up in the universe, in the greater scheme of things right now. I know that and I literally feel it in the air. I can only imagine that everything that is happening to me is happening for a reason, although I haven't been given any idea as to why yet. There is some fucked up synchronicity happening. I have been doing guided visualizations and I've been seeing incredible things. I've literally been having incredible experiences. This is a path where I stop thinking in words and access the deeper mind to begin the think in images. The power of this shit is insane. Here is a recap of my visions.

1) Revisiting childhood and fear with spirit animal. Taught to let go and appreciate what there is in life.

2) Opening up the emptiness of my body and being exposed to my passions of writing and music. Then finally meeting an ex-gf who I showered with protection, only to have an insane vision of past life sequences featuring myself, her, simone de beauvoir and sartre.

3) Understanding a recurring dream character as a representation of my own shortcomings. Or just experiencing the mind of that person.

4) Entering into my own heart of darkness to encounter the Manticora guarding the light. Only to have him leave and have the light illuminate my entire heart and then spread across the world.

5) Travelling under water to find a clam with a pearl inside. Breaking the clam and following the pearl as it floated to the surface... fighting off sharks and fish. Finally reaching the surface and holding the pearl above the water only to have it snatched out of my hands by a seagull who then went to the cliff side. I proceeded to follow the seagull up the cliff until I arrived at its nest. On looking in I see literally thousands of pearls. Ahhh, the spoils of suffering.

Today I ran into the ONE. It was insane. I couldn't believe it, and now these possibilities are opening up. There was a giant storm right after I saw the ONE. Something is happening in the universe that is far greater than myself. God I wish i could be delivered from this suffering. I don't understand it at all, and I know I will be forsaken. I just have this time on earth to continue pursuing truth and knowledge in the human experience. I am thankful for it despite all the pain that i must endure.